im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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