If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
