Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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