im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
