I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
