I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
