He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
