I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
