my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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