Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
