The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
