so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
