She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
