did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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