wanna go halves on a baby?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
