I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives