i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
33 Sex Crazed People That Are Going Balls Deep
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
21 Family Members Confess The Creepiest Things They Know About a Relative
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
whose parrot is this?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you