my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?