Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
