if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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