Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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