Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
