I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
