i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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