I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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