Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
