oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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