i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
