you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I didn't notice because vodka
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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