Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
