I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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