Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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