I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
