Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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