I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
