the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
