he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
