i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
