So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
