You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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