you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
