Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
