woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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