The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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