I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
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I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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