So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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