He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
