Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
