The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You smell like stripper and shame
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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