Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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