I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
