She is in my trunk
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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