my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
