Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
