Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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