You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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