Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
