I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
