Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
